Jackie Healy-Rae stands accused of abusing the phone privileges afforded to sitting TDs; using said privileges to place over 3,600 calls to a reality tv show in which his son (TD Michael Healy-Rae) was a contestant.

Thousands of passionate and disillusioned Irish men and women have finally relinquished the whimpering disquiet that has punctuated their interactions with Irish institutions that have exploited and failed them in favour of all-out rioting and the Healy-Rae phone scandal has been proved the tipping point.

Not the News Ireland has assembled some of the most startling images from Today’s mass protests and rioting below:

Irish protesters gather outside Leinster House after news of voting scandal breaks

What began as a peaceful protest descended into chaos following clashes with Gardaí:

Gardaí pin back protesters attempting to gain entry into the Dáil

A member of the Gardaí is struck by a petrol bomb launched from the crowd of angry protesters

Protesters outside Dublin's acropolis send a message to the rest of Europe

A lone Irish man hurls an object in the direction of the Irish parliament

The alleged actions of Jackie Healy-Rae remains the dominant story in Irish politics amidst a sea of discontent. The earth shattering events of the last few days may well force a change in the political establishment’s attitude towards the now virile and affronted people of Ireland.

In other news the Dáil’s summer break is provisionally scheduled for the 21st of July as the country’s public debt currently stands at 71% of GDP.

The increase in the levels of hubris have led the finger of blame to be pointed in the direction of a farm hand hired for the busy summer season. Paul Hewson, known to friends as Bono, is said to be an enthusiastic conversationalist but excessive use of inane rhetoric has been scientifically proven to release posionous toxins into the atmosphere which would put many lives at risk.

Have you witnessed this man pontificating in public? If so report him to the relevant authorities.

Air toxin experts have warned people in the general area of Somerset to avoid listening Mr Hewson speak as being subjected to his utterances can result in dizziness, vomitting and losing the will to live. Following recents reports that Mr. Hewson has been overheard extolling the virtues of peace, love and tax breaks for charitable donations the Waste Management Industry Training and Advisory Board have issued a red alert in the Glastonbury area.

Dr. Kim Garrett, a professor of sociology at UCLA told Not the News Ireland that this is not an isolated incident: ‘with the aid of the internet a great many people, well just men, are carrying out an existence which is solely stimulated by their interaction with pop culture. Unable to solicit affection, praise or any meaningful contact they resort to consuming an endless stream of movies, tv shows, internet memes, music and the occasional questionable diversion to hardcore porn.’ Jorby, a former record store owner, has in the past few days taken to his blog to defend his right to have no tangible link to real life. In a statement which will appear cryptic to the culturally untrained eye, Jorby hit out at those on the internet who deem his life to be empty and worthless. ‘The Dude abides but fuck yeah it’s a hard knock life, and so it is you don’t ‘like me’ but I’m just a man standing in front of the internet saying all you need is love. The force is strong in this one so keep hatin’, I’m still standing I’m no Dawson. What we have is a failure to communicate but this revolution won’t be televised, Imma a gonna MacGyver my way, Thelma and Louise-style, out of this mortal coil if every mother-fucking last one of you don’t check yourself before you wreck yourself. I ain’t no Lenny so riddle me this: leave Petey alone‘. This elusive post was examined by Dr. Garrett who arrived at the conclusion that ‘it is safe to say this man has not had sex for a number of years’.

Jorby’s parents have been interviewed several times on American Tv about their son who they readily admit is a great disappointment to mankind. They spoke about him again just hours ago on Good Morning America. ‘I don’t think we’ve understood a word he has said since he was 11 and I simply don’t have the time to catch up on all the stuff he watches just so we can converse’ admitted his mother Gretta Jorby (71), ‘which is really his fault because apparently that last bloggy thing he did was a suicide note, neighbours found him dead this morning’.

Potter fans excitement was piqued earlier this month with rumours of a new Potter-related venture to be overseen by Rowling herself. Today via a Youtube video, Rowling announced the launch of Pottermore.com- a website gifted to fans of the books and movies. This generous gift bestowed by Rowling will allow Potter fans to buy yet more merchandise and exclusive e-books which are of course integral to the world of Hogwarts and beyond.

Register bank account details here

Rowling confessed that when she started her literary endeavours she never thought people ‘would ever want to know the significance of all these different wand woods’ and she was right in her assumption, no one is interested. However, is it expected replicas of weighted oak wood wand used by that character, from the third one; ah you do know him, will be available for the affordable price of $43.99.

The 45-year-old author said she would not have conceived the idea of the website had it not been for those 250 million people who have bought her books, ‘an audience like that’ she confessed ‘can only lead one to the decision that there is still money to be made. Did I say money? Of course I meant to say money, I mean, memories’. Rowling concluded that she could think of ‘no better way to reward my fans than by providing them with a central website where they can directly deposit funds into my bank account in exchange for some tat made in china’.

It may have presented itself in the form of a news headline which doesn’t refer to the previous government as heartless scoundrels, a TV interview in which Bertie Ahern is allowed to think he is just marvellous or even an episode of Reeling in the Years containing footage of children who still had the capacity to smile but don’t doubt the fact that they’re coming for you and your vote.

No political clairvoyant could have predicted that the new government, fallible and human just like the rest of us, would fail to impress some sections of the politically sagacious public. Fianna Fáil are hoping to capitalise on this discontent, silently sneaking back into people’s train of thought. Not the News Ireland understands Fianna Fáil have begun to implement a plan which will see their party members holding the door open for members of the public, posing as lollipop men and women as well as simply hanging out in public places hoping to register in someone’s subconscious. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

There is a pronounced fear present amongst the showbiz press now that substantiated claims have surfaced regarding Cheryl’s future in the limelight putting some 20,000 jobs at risk. ‘Fictional stories about Cheryl make up about 80% of my job’ admitted a journalist who wished to remain anonymous, ‘Yeah the story about Cheryl believing in the healing powers of rhino sperm…that was me. If she quit showbiz I’d have to go back to reporting on Twink’. The fixation of certain sections of the press on the inane occurrences in the life of Cheryl Cole is now worth as much as €42 million to the Irish economy.

Headlines such as ‘Cheryl eats bat feces in new diet craze’, ‘What next for Cheryl’s toenails?’ and ‘Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Cole and Cheryl Cole’ could be a thing of the past if the singer chooses to exit celebrity life in favour of a slower pace of life. Paul Dacre, editor of the much maligned Daily Mail, believes readers will abandon print media if Cheryl Cole walks away from fame: ‘A great many people criticise the tabloid press for hiding behind the excuse of readers’ tastes and desires but I receive letters on a daily basis from readers asking us to write more about Cheryl. They say ’12 articles in one day isn’t enough’, ‘we really enjoy the articles with the not so attractive lady pretending she knows famous people’ or ‘I want to know more about what is in her bins’ you can’t deny the public’s fascination and we certainly need it to keep going. You really can never write enough nonsense stories about Cheryl.’

Silhouette of the footballer who has shamelessly stayed faithful to his wife behind the back of lustful sluts

‘This kind of press leakage can ruin a footballer’s life’ admitted football agent John S. Lime, ‘the footballer in question will be on the receiving end of ridicule from fellow professionals for refusing to dip his wick in any old slut or slapper.’ Irrefutable proof that a man has stayed faithful to his wife can hinder off the field investments with brand awareness at an all time low. ‘Who wants to buy a perfume called Sex Sweat off a happily married man?’ questioned Lime, ‘You have to ask what potential does this man have? No lewd sex tape, doesn’t spend his life in clubs, no tell all tales in the paper for young strippers…he’s putting people out of work.’

Rumours that the player is set to transfer-listed following his refusal to partake in a threesome with his club’s captain are unconfirmed at this point.

Murray’s actions are set to anger the BBC who see Wimbledon as the centrepiece of their Summer sports coverage. It is alleged Sue Barker and cohorts will have to fill close to 14 hours of airtime they had earmarked for fawning over a Murray forehand winner in the early rounds.

Come on Murray! No, seriously come on who are we kidding?

Scotland’s most treasured runner-up is set to face off against Daniel Gimeno-Traver in the first round of this year’s tournament next week and in the event that Murray bucks the trend of previous years and ends up victorious Britain’s most prodigious tennis talent will have lifted the spirits of a Nation and fulfilled the promise he has always shown.

It is thought Murray was prompted to apologise in advance for his efforts in order to avoid scenes like that witnessed in Vancouver this week following the defeat of the Vancouver Canucks in the Stanley Cup.

Stone, pictured above, laughing off rumours of a music career

The incident has once again highlighted the desperation of records label amid dwindling records sales. According to a Not the News Ireland source EMI executives took the decision to ‘off Joss’ because ‘there is a definite trend of dead singers being far more profitable than ones that are alive. There was also the added incentive in this case since the music is so awful’. EMI’s head honchos cited Elvis, Kurt Cobain, Jeff Buckley and Michael Jackson as proven examples of how being dead can enhance a singer’s career purely in monetary terms.

Our source claims EMI pleaded with Stone ‘to commit suicide, it’s less messy that way’ but the singer politely declined. This latest episode is a sad indictment of the music industry which is still hell-bent on exploiting the talent present in the industry in order to return to the halcyon days of Crazy Frog. Documents seen by Not the News Ireland reveal EMI projected Joss Stone’s worldwide album sales would have tripled in the wake of her death to 120 units a week.

Police have yet to arrest any EMI employees. EMI refused to comment on the matter but did inform us that Joss Stone’s back catalogue is available online and at all good retailers.

The government has commissioned gardener Diarmuid Gavin to mark the occasion with the planting of a €100,000 sunflower, watered by the tears of the nation’s youth, which will be suspended from the top of the Spire located on Dublin’s O’Connell street.

The Taoiseach is expected to emphasis how quickly 144,000 minutes can go by but also stress that Ireland has shown much promise especially when it comes to not trying to kill an 85-year-old English tourist.

Cyber-crime has been pushed to the top of many governments’ agendas following several high-profile hacking incidents which included security breaches at the Playstation network, the Spanish police’s official website, Nasa and the Iranian government.

The latest incident involving uber-popular porn website www.bigjugsneedhugs.com has forced the American government to formally tackle the increasing threat of hacking. ‘We had prepared for the worst, the emptying out of bank accounts or gaining of access to nuclear bomb codes but we had not envisaged this evil being visited upon us. A treasured pastime like this should never been drawn into the world of terrorism‘ said White House spokesperson Josh Gaines earlier today at a press conference held in Washington D.C. Gaines was joined by C.I.A spokesman Henry J. Crowe who promised the people of America that ‘every resource is being used and exhausted to find the members of Anonymous in an effort to ensure pornography websites are left out of this cyber-war that is being waged‘.

President Obama called the hacker’s actions ‘an affront to our core values that must be met with the necessary force’. Several European countries along with Russia and China have also publicly condemned the attack on the porn industry with French President Nicolas Sarkozy admitting that ‘now this cyber-war is personal‘.

Although www.bigjugsneedhugs.com is back to operating at full capacity it is thought as many as 24 million people where unable to watch videos on the site for the four minutes it went offline. ‘I just don’t think these Anonymous guys realise the pain they are causing‘ said Colin McAvoy, one distressed user of the website, ‘like steal secret Iranian files or whatever but Jesus Christ I use my lunch break everyday to unwind and this, this really floors a guy not having access. It’s against my human rights, it’s got to be. I need my daily dose of milf action or else I might go crazy‘.

Unconfirmed reports are coming into Not the News Ireland suggesting the US government will reach out to members of Anonymous in the hopes of officially placing porn websites off-limits when it comes to cyber warfare.

Afwerki gave advice, on state-owned TV, to struggling despots earlier this week. In his address the embarrassingly tall tyrant opined that the key to successful oppression is fear and the maintaining of an aloof and mysterious persona. The qualified ninja and self-confessed mind reader issued a warning to his own people, advising against any protests or opposition to his leadership. The people of Eritrea have so far adhered to the advice of their leader and have remained a dutifully oppressed nation up until this point.

Afwerki designs bad-ass ties in his spare time

The Eritrean leader also spoke of his love of flying without the aid of a plane and confessed to losing his virginity to Marilyn Monroe when he was just 11-years-old. The multi-talented dictator recently won Eritrea’s version of the X-Factor for a fourth year running and it is claimed that he once wrote songs for Elvis but only the good ones.

A pressure group was assembled after an initial idea by Veronica Kinsella to discuss the possibility of paying homeless people to stalk groups of students in order to scare them into studying much harder than they previously intended to do. Mrs. Kinsella told Not the News Ireland of her fear for her daughter and peers: ‘I just don’t think there is enough pressure on the kids, we wanted to have the homeless take up residence outside the houses too but the Minister wasn’t so keen on that, sends out the wrong message really. It’s a good idea though, to remind the children they will definitely end up starving on the streets if they don’t know their Heaney from their Boland’.

Homeless men and women will be paid a weekly wage for the duration of the exams and have been encouraged to be abusive towards students who leave exam halls wearing content and untroubled expressions.

Whether or not students will respond in a positive manner to the initiative is open to debate but Minister for Education and Skills Ruairi Quinn has defended the idea. ‘It seems a bit drastic’, admitted the Labour TD, ‘but it’s clear our generation hasn’t a hope so we’ve really got to push these students towards solving the problems we’ve created and using homeless people to terrify them is a step in the right direction’.

Cheryl is thought to be on the verge of a breakdown following the prospect of becoming an unemployed millionaire

Many believe L’Oréal took the decision to replace our beautiful Cheryl due to her failure to crack America. A spokesperson for L’Oréal thanked our beautiful and talented Cheryl for her contribution to their past campaigns and added that they are excited to ‘work with someone who has a real passion for hair care like Wayne‘. It is believed the first advert featuring Wayne Rooney will hit the airwaves some time in July. The L’Oréal deal represents a step in the right direction for Rooney and his brand reinvention. Rooney brand hair products which include hair straighteners, extensions and gels are set to hit the shelves later this year.

Our darling Cheryl’s management dismissed newspaper claims that the Girls Aloud singer had 24 hours to save her career. ‘The reports are nonsense, Cheryl’s life isn’t a Tv series starring Kiefer Sutherland she has many offers to consider and if all else fails there’s always a sextape‘ said a spokesman for Goddess Cheryl.

These fresh measures taken by NATO are reflective of the organisation’s recent more hands on approach to sitting back and allowing events to unfold. Some political commentators are fearful that NATO is overstretching itself and has no mandate with which to pursue its policies. While President Klaus has defended his taking of the pen stating that he ‘steals all the time, it ain’t no biggy‘, NATO have made it known they have already begun putting in the legal groundwork regarding various war crime charges relating to an incident at a Pilot pen factory in 2004.

Evidence of President Klaus deeply evil tendencies can be found in the video below.

It is clear the theft of a pen by a head of state will no longer be tolerated by the international community such is the volatile nature of many countries in the 21st century. NATO’s insistence that they enforce the no-fly zone in the Czech Republic has prompted many leaders including Kim Jong Il, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Robert Mugabe to deny ever stealing any items of stationary.

Flynn confessed to the murder of South Korean native Kyung Ri (34) but only after police ascertained the pastor was illiterate. The 54 year-old mistakenly believed Terry Jones had entered public prominence thanks to the burning of a Korean but Jones had in fact burned Islam’s holy text, the Koran. Flynn is said to have expressed remorse for the killing and also for never learning to read. He is set to stand trial for murder on the 4th of May.

A spokesperson for Pastor Terry Jones told Not the News Ireland the Flynn incident ‘shows how a lack of understanding of these events can needlessly cause an international incident and put lives at risk.’ While the White House press secretary Jay Carney has said President Obama has sincerely apologised for the idiocy of Mark Flynn.

Portugal’s Prime Minister Jose Socrates will meet with EU officials this week in the hope of securing a bailout but many journalist remain unimpressed by the news.

A Not the News Ireland source in the BBC has claimed Portugal will struggle to receive backing for its plans. ‘We have seen in the case of Ireland, it is rich in redundant stereotypes and people respond to casual racism in a very positive way. Pot of gold this, end of the drunken rainbow that, these asides are far more attractive to current affairs taste makers then say; Portugal has lovely weather this time of year’ professed our unnamed source.

It is thought Portugal’s cultural elite are busy trying to refine a more pronounced set of national traits that will translate well internationally and appease lazy journalists. If the rumours circulating are to be believed Portugal will stick closely to the idea that they are a vain, stubborn and smug people much like their main footballing export Cristiano Ronaldo. However, if this fails to secure a groundswell of sympathy the Portuguese will revert to plan b, adopting the American model of obesity and stupidity that has acted effectively as an excuse for erroneous foreign policy since the early 90s.

Many journalists unsure if Cristiano Ronaldo is offensive enough to the people of Portugal

Many editors at tabloid newspapers here at home as well as abroad are said to be furious at the lack of options regarding reductive and small-minded turns of phrase that would effectively belittle the plight of the Portuguese people.

An unnamed UCD student learns of the UCD Ball's cancellation

Irish charity Trocaire has responded to the news of the ball’s cancellation by diverting funds intended for Haiti in order to assist the student union if it is to pursue legal means as a method for resolving the dispute. A spokesperson for the charity admitted first world problems are just more compelling and important so it seemed inevitable that they would send the money to a more worthy cause.

While the UCD Ball is undoubtably the highlight of the year for many students it is thought they will manage to get shit faced, make ill-judged decisions and resort to using violence as a way of expressing themselves elsewhere under different circumstances.

Despite concerns for the oil market Iran, one of the world’s largest producers of oil, has refused calls to convene a meeting of OPEC nations stating it is quite happy with receiving billions upon billions of dollars for the oil it produces. The Bloomberg news agency reports this reluctance from Iran and some other nations to address problems within the sometimes volatile oil markets stems from a desire to become rich beyond their wildest dreams.

Upon learning the news just short of an hour ago Gaddafi took to Libyan television to further admonish the UN and allied forces overseeing a no fly zone over Libya for what he called ‘petty acts and meddling behaviour‘. Gaddafi was said to be particularly annoyed as he is just short of 100,000 followers and fears this may damage his attempts to reach the milestone. Gaddafi has not tweeted for at least 12 minutes which suggests he is either dead or just not really tech savvy.

The fallout from the UN’s decision is still unclear but social media expert Frank Lee made clear to Not the News Ireland the implications could be disastrous: ‘social media is literally the most important thing in the world, ever! How Gaddafi curates the information housed within his social media profiles could be the difference between ending this conflict or turning it into the next Afghanistan, that’s how serious this is‘. A situation similar to Afghanistan, where Myspace is still popular would be unthinkable in Lee’s opinion.

The UN are said to be aware that their actions on twitter could be more harmful to the safety of Libyan civilians than their decision to pass a recent resolution which paved the way for a no fly zone over the war-torn region.

A meeting is currently underway in London bringing together the UN, Nato and all allied forces involved in the military operation in Libya. No decision has been made on the sharing of Libya’s natural resources but it is thought a compromise is not far from being agreed.

In other news, the international community seems relatively unaware that as many as 1 million people have fled the Ivory Coast following continued civil unrest. The UN have expressed their sympathy for the Ivorian people but admitted cocoa just isn’t as important as oil in their eyes.